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Fear.

Try as we may to repress it, it has a way of surfacing.

 

For some, fear is a constant companion. For others, an occasional visitor.

 

Sometimes we don’t really know what we’re afraid of. We think it’s one thing but in truth the “real” fear is hidden under layers of repression and denial.

 

On the other hand, there are times when we know exactly what we fear but we’re too afraid to voice it, too afraid to give it a name.

 

It’s been a tough month emotionally. I have yet another patient who is dying. I have watched her weaken and change over the past year and it’s been hard. She doesn’t have all that long left here on this earth, according to the doctors a few months at the most.

 

Today she was hospitalized for an electrolyte imbalance and she was unprepared for it. She was scared and all she wanted to know was when will she go home. At one point she looked at me and asked me whether she was going to get to go home. Home to her new house that she just moved into last week.

 

I knew what she was talking about but chose to get her to say the words out loud.

 

You’re scared. What are you afraid of?

 

That I won’t leave the hospital. Am I going to leave the hospital?

 

What are you really afraid of? What are you really asking me?

 

Am I going to leave the hospital?

 

What are you really asking me?

In a rushed loud breath she said: “Am I going to die in the next 72 hours?” And I exhaled and gave her a big hug as she sobbed away.

 

But it wasn’t done. Because while dying was something she was afraid of and worried about, the truth was buried a little deeper. And it took quite a bit of digging to get to it.

 

She was afraid of the unknown and she was afraid of having to say good bye.  I think that everyone in the world is afraid of the unknown.  We’re so trained in thinking things through and needing hard evidence that even when we’re dying we can’t let go. We’re afraid of the unknown because we don’t know for certain what will be and that causes us unease.

 

And besides, saying good-bye is heartbreaking even when you are not dying. When someone we love goes away for a period of time and even when we know they’re going to come back we are sometimes overcome with grief. Imagine having to say goodbye for good. (I will leave my beliefs about souls & afterlife out of this post.)

 

So why should you name your fear?

I think that putting a name to your fear helps you understand what’s feeding your fear.

 

I also think that once you’ve put a name to it, it makes it easier for you to talk about it with others. That’s important because when you are afraid of something that’s exactly the time that you need the love, support and insight from people you love and trust.

How do you know you’re afraid of something?

Aside from the really obvious scary things that make your heart pound a million beats a minute, I believe that fear is a factor any time you find yourself making excuses not to do something or avoiding something. Anytime you have a dream, but are afraid to jump into it.

 

What am I afraid of? 

You mean aside from heights and jumping dogs? I’m not 100% sure. (Maybe because I am avoiding too many things right now.) I’m trying hard to peel off the layers to get to the core. I think that’s half the battle, to actually name your fear. I’m trying.

 

The sooner I figure it out, the better. Because like all feelings, fear is not something you want to repress. You want to confront it head on because only then can you accept it and work through it.

 

What fears do you have?