NEW DAY NEW LESSON » Fears, Lesson of the Day, Life Happens » The More You Have “To Lose” The More You Fear
The More You Have “To Lose” The More You Fear
Once upon a time I used to be fearless. (Or almost fearless.)
I knew that nothing could happen to me.
Sometimes, when I hear my teenagers speaking I have flashbacks to those times. Times when I was invulnerable. Times like the ones when I would ride the subways of Manhattan at midnight without giving it a second thought except for the no nonsense posture and the mean face I assumed. (Yes Mom and Dad, I was on subways at all hours of the night but you probably knew that.)
As I got older, got married and had kids, my fears increased. I think the full weight of that realization hit me after I had my third child. All of a sudden after being a rather calm albeit neurotic (cleanliness wise) mother I was suddenly a basket case.
From the time my first two kids came home from the hospital they slept in their own rooms.
My third slept in mine for about 6 months.
Which probably would have been okay had I not gotten up about five times a night every night to make sure she was breathing. Then there were the minimum of twice a week where I showed up at the pediatrician crying. I am an ER nurse and this was my third kid yet all of a sudden I was wracked with panic about everything. It passed, although I do wonder whether some of my behavior in her first few months was the reason for many of my daughter’s fears.
With each additional kid I noticed that my general fears in my day to day life increased. I worried about injuries and yes even about death. The more “I had to lose” so to say, the more fears I had. I tried in vain to control things like where my kids were going with friends and what they were doing. And as my kids kept getting bigger they complained more about the restrictions. I know that many parents battle with the “fear”. Deer Baby wrote a post called distractions and wrecks that really highlighted all the fears parents have.
Finally a few years back I had one of those light bulb moments when I realized that I was having all these fears because I had so much love around me and such a good life. The thought of anything changing or me losing any of it made me despair.
Until I let go.
I can’t say that I don’t still have my moments. What is different now is that I believe that my kids’ lives are their journey and my role, especially once they get bigger, is a supporting role only. I also know that you can’t always protect your loved ones. I believe in all kinds of other things as well but they would need a post of their own.
I think the realization that the increase in fears was due to the increase of people who I love in my life helped put things in perspective. That and the realization that ultimately no matter what you try to control, you have no control over anything. If something is meant to happen it will happen. (Obviously I am not talking about being negligent.)
Do you find you have had more fears since you started having kids? Do you find you have had more fears since people you love or opportunities you enjoy or fulfill you have come into your life?
Image:
NYC SUBWAY
© Jafar | Flickr Creative Commons
Filed under: Fears, Lesson of the Day, Life Happens · Tags: Fears, invulnerable, kids, more to lose, vulnerable
8 Responses to "The More You Have “To Lose” The More You Fear"
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You are right, so right. It is about letting go. I remember what I was like as a teen- hitchhiking (rarely), walking home along from nightclubs, getting into all sorts of situations. They have to learn, they have to experience, they have to grow and if you have provided a firm enough foundation for them, they should be able to judge situations properly.
Thanks for this Susie. And I love the pictures – both the subway and you on a rope.
While I don’t have kids and can’t speak to the fears of worrying about them, I do feel far less bullet proof in my 40 than I did in my 20s.
I really enjoyed the post.
I find that now that I am getting older, I seem to see more dangers. I do try not to worru about them but not always successfully!
I definitely have more fears now I am a mother. I worry about bad things happening to me, her and hubby all the time. I’m always popping into her room when she’s asleep just to check she’s still breathing. I’m not as brave either. I used to be perfectly happy wandering back on my own from places late at night but now. I’ll always get a taxi.
*nodding head vigorously* I’m certainly a much more cautious person now although I’m still prepared to take that leap without looking because looking can really hold you back. I have learned to stand back and let my kids make their own mistakes and live their own lives. I remember what a relief it was when I realised that I wasn’t responsible for absolutely everything they did. I do still panic occasionally when I am brought up against their vulnerability though as you know! (The pic of you on a rope is fab!)
I definately do feel more anxious after having kids. After backpacking solo for over 13months around Asia when I was twenty to fretting about leaving the now teenaged kids alone for a weekend, a great deal has changed.
Very wise words here, you are so right and yes I have more fears since having Baba but I agree with you with everything you said in your post. But the letting go part is so hard!!
You write with such sense, and I’m in complete agreement. The more I have, the more anxious I have become! I’m so glad I’ve found your blog!
When it’s not summertime,I teach a class of 30 five and six year olds. I get on with it, I do it, it’s my job. I don’t have my own children, however I have 3 year old and 11 month old nephews who are my absolute world.
Today I took the 3 year old to “Frankie and Benny’s” and then bowling. I was a nervous wreck I worried about him leaning too far forward in the booth at the restaraunt and bumping his head on the table, that the cutlery wasn’t child sized enough, and that he’d hurt himself on the fork. In the bowling alley, he stepped backwards and fell off the step – he was absolutely fine, but everytime he went to step backwards, I found myself catawauling “WATCHYOURSTEPDANNYLOOKOUT!” I worried about him putting his hand on the bowling balls and another one rolling along and trapping his fingers. And then I worried about him getting lost in the arcade. Completely ridiculous, yes. Irrational? Totally. Am I like that in work? Absolutely not – I wouldn’t have lasted ten years in the profession! None of those things would have happened to my nephew, and if they did – well they’re not life threatening! But that’s the place I was in today. As predicted, my nephew had a lovely time, and can’t wait to go again. Thank goodness my anxiety is introvert – I don’t want to cloud his experience.
I loved reading this post – so reassuring and sensible, and it’s good to know I’m not alone! Although when I read this comment back, I’m sure I’ll think I’m a total wally.